Healing
by 101raysofsun
Summary: What happened between the end of Mockingjay and the Epilogue. The story of how Katniss and Peeta grew back together. And how the citizens of District 12 healed each other and themselves.
1. Chapter 1 The Memories

**_Authors Note: Hi! This is my first fanfiction so I apologize if there are any mistakes in it! I know that many Hunger Games fans wished Suzanne Collins had written more about how Peeta and Katniss grew back together so I decided to write my own version. Enjoy. And please review and let me know if there's anything I should change!_  
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I stare at Buttercup curled up in the lonely patch of sunlight on the kitchen floor. His paws are twitching and I find myself hoping that whatever dreams pervade his subconscious are peaceful unlike the nightmares that wrack my body with tremors night after night. Ever since I'd gone outside to find Peeta planting Primrose along the side of the house a month ago, Prim had starred in my nightmares. Each one was a new death for her, some hideous and brutal like being ripped apart by Glimmer's muttation, some less bloody but still horrific like being buried alive in the avalanche from when we destroyed the Nut. I find myself squeezing the pen in my hand so hard that it breaks in half and ink splatters across the page I'd been writing in the Memory Book.

The Memory Book was an idea I'd come up with not long after my return to District 12. I'd been trying to scrape my brain for any good memory to think of before I went to sleep. This had been part of Dr. Aurelius's attempt to subdue my nightmares. He told me to think of something good each night before I fell asleep. I know he was trying to help, but all my pleasant memories had been burned away with the fire from the bomb that killed Prim. And even if I could recall a day where I felt happy, the nightmares would be sure to destroy it, twisting it into some evil thing, almost as if I were being given a dose of tracker jacker venom.

But one night, as I lay there fighting the heaviness of my eyelids, dreading the second when I lost the battle and the nightmares began, an image of Annie Cresta under the protective arm of Finnick Odair snuck into my mind. It began to fade quickly and I struggled to hold onto it only to find another and even more pleasant memory emerge —Prim and her goat Lady curled up in front of the fire. After this came Cinna, twisting my hair into a long, silky braid. Then my father singing to the Mockingjays. The sudden rush of memories made my heart sore. With tears of longing, I scribbled the memories down on my sheets before they could slip away. Afterward, I sat on my bed, running my finger along each line, soaking in the warmth of the memories. The next morning, I called Dr. Aurelius and told him my plan. It'd been too long since I'd had something to work on that wasn't hurting someone else. Something that made me feel close to happy. I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel true happiness again with my damaged mind.

I grab a towel from the kitchen and begin dabbing the ink spots off the page. This one in particular is dedicated to Rue. After putting it off for so long, I finally decided it was time to remember her. I didn't want to have to face the pain of the memories, but I was equally afraid that if I waited too long, I would forget. Despite the aching in my ribcage, I sit back down to write. The upper left corner has been reserved for Rue's picture. Since there are no actual photographs of her in my possession, I know I'll have to ask Peeta to sketch one.

Peeta. There's a name that sends so many emotions through my body I usually have to sit down when I hear it. Since the Primroses, I've only seen him from the top of the stairs when I'm watching him deliver cheese buns to Greasy Sae in the mornings when she makes me breakfast, which used to be daily but now that I've proven to her I can somewhat care for myself, she comes in maybe twice a week.

The only time I've been face to face with Peeta was when I brought the Memory Book to his house to sketch in the few people I'd found the strength to write about. I was still a shaky mess then. When he opened the door I barely managed to croak, "Could you…?" and hand him the book before I wheeled around and sprinted home.

Writing about Rue isn't helping me keep my mind off Peeta, since she was a tribute in our first Games. After another hour of staring at the page, I decide to go hunting to clear my mind. I slide my father's hunting jacket on gently. My arms are still accepting my new Capitol skin and are tender. I lace up my boots, grab my new bow that Beetee made and managed to get to me, and swing the sheath of arrows across my back.


	2. Chapter 2 Him, Again

The sun is high in the sky and I guess it's around lunchtime. A light breeze cuts through the heat of the day just enough that I can wear my hunting jacket without getting too sweaty. Several people acknowledge me with a nod. I haven't had a conversation with anyone but Greasy Sae and Buttercup since I arrived, but some of my old neighbors still recognize me.

As I walk to where the fence bordering District 12 used to be, I find myself wondering about Haymitch. I haven't seen him since my return. I assume he's lost himself in a cloud of liquor and frankly, I'm too scared to venture into his house to check. All my previous encounters with his living standards have taught me to enter at my own risk.

I wade through the dry grass of the meadow. Some patches are growing back in soft, green tufts but like me, most of it will always be scarred. Parts of me may heal, but there will always be pain from deeper, unreachable wounds.

"You and I aren't so different," I whisper to the ground beneath my feet.

"Who are you talking to?" I turn to find a little girl standing behind me at the edge of the meadow. She's holding one of Peeta's cheese buns in her hand. She has wispy blonde hair that barely reaches her ears and a large gap between her two front teeth.

"Uh, no one," I croak. I clear my throat. "No one," I repeat, louder this time.

"Okay." The little girl turns and bounds out of sight behind a house.

I turn my attention back to the woods. I'm just hitting the tree line and I begin to walk faster. The relief of being away from everyone is almost exhilarating. The forest is my friend and lifeline. Here, I can think without worrying someone will overhear and lock me up in an institution. I creep through the pine needles silently, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells around me. The occasional trill of a Mockingjay. The scent of tree bark. I hone in on fresh tracks and let my hunter senses take over. I return to town with a wild turkey and three rabbits in my game bag. It's not as large as my usual haul, but I'm overstocked with fresh meat. Greasy Sae tries to make me sell it, but for some reason I can't name, I'm afraid to.

I pass by the new bakery that's being built on my way home. It's still just a foundation, but I can already picture it finished with Peeta's delicately frosted cakes in the window. I'm about to continue down the road when I spot him coming from the opposite way. His blonde hair is disheveled and his face is dirty. The white shirt he's wearing is covered in paint splatters. My guess is he's been helping rebuild homes. Classic Peeta. Helping others when he should really be focusing on getting himself better. I may not talk to him, but I hear enough from Greasy Sae to know his nightmares, like mine, have gotten no better. I can only imagine how the remaining tracker jacker venom in his system amplifies the horrors.

I stand there, unsure of what to do. Chances are he's spotted me by now so I can't run away. I decide to turn back to the bakery and look interested in the beefy woman who's slapping on bricks. I'm praying he'll walk past me and leave me alone when I feel his presence beside me. It's all I can do not to run.

"Hey, Katniss," he says tentatively.

I stare forward. "Hi, Peeta." My voice is barely a whisper. It's silent for a long minute before I find myself speaking again. "Thanks for the Primroses. Prim would have liked them." It's the first time I've said her name out loud in a long time and I feel the tears beginning to form.

"They were for you, too," he says quietly.

I can feel him looking at my face so I look at the ground. "Thanks," I say again. And then I turn and walk home as fast as I can.


	3. Chapter 3 Old Friends

There's a knock at my door bright and early the next morning. I brace myself before answering it, hoping it's not Peeta. Yet in some small corner of my being I want it to be him. It's not. A drunk and dirty Haymitch stumbles in. He's carrying a goose in his left arm and a bottle of white liquor in his right, both of which he proceeds to set down on my table.

"Haymitch, what are you doing here?" I ask.

He looks up as if noticing me for the first time. "Oh hi there, sweetheart. Just thought I'd drop by since you seem to have forgotten about me." He takes a long look around the room before the Memory Book catches his eye. "What's this?" he asks.

I snatch it away from his grubby hands. "Part of my therapy. What's that?" I ask, pointing to the goose.

"That's a goose, sweetheart. Thought a hunter like you would know that."

"Why do you have a goose?" I ask, ignoring his jibe.

"For my goose farm."

I want to laugh. The thought of Haymitch trying to care for anything living is a joke. But then maybe I'm being too harsh. Isn't he the reason I made it out of the arena twice?

"Knock knock."

I look up to see Greasy Sae standing in the doorway with a pot of something in her arms. I wave her in.

"Good to see ya out and about, Haymitch," she says, setting the pot down on the counter.

He grunts and lifts the lid. "Don't suppose you have any alcohol in there?"

Greasy Sae chuckles. "Your supply running low I take it?"

Haymitch frowns at the bottle on the table. "That's my last one."

I sigh. A sober Haymitch is almost worse than a drunk Haymitch. And despite our quarrels, I don't enjoy the thought of him having to go through withdrawal again like he did in 13. He's staring so pathetically at the bottle that I hand him it and his goose and tell him to come back later and I'll have something for him. He grunts and then leaves about as gracefully as he arrived.

"You got a secret stash or something?" Sae asks me as she ladles the stew into bowls.

"No. But I might be able to get Dr. Aurelius to send me some."

She chuckles. "I'd like to hear that conversation."

When I don't respond, she hands me a bowl and takes a seat across from me.

"I hope you don't mind, I invited someone for breakfast."

I look up from my stew, suspicious. "Who?" I ask. But I don't have time to wonder because he appears in the doorway with a fresh loaf of bread. I suddenly have the urge to smash my bowl on the ground and throw a tantrum. Greasy Sae should know better than to go inviting people, especially people like Peeta, into my home. But then I see the little girl holding his hand. She's the same one who asked me who I was talking to in the meadow the day before.

Peeta crosses the room and sets the bread on the table. "Hi, Katniss," he says softly.

I wave my spoon ungracefully. "Hello."

The little girl walks over to me until her tiny hands are on my knee. "Hello, I'm Geevee," she says loudly.

"Hello, Geevee. I'm Katniss."

She nods. "I know. What 'cha got there?" she asks, pointing to my bowl.

"Stew. Would you like some?"

"Yes please."

Sae fixes them both a bowl and then Peeta takes a seat next to me. Geevee sits on my other side. I feel a twinge in my chest. This is the first time my table has been full. I play with a carrot until I've turned it to mush. Peeta clears his throat.

"Geevee tells me you were hunting. Are you still any good?" There's a twinkle in his eye and I realize he's making a joke.

I try to laugh but all that comes out is a sickly wheeze. "I couldn't forget if I tried."

He nods as if to say, _there you go, Katniss. You can talk to me. _

"Katniss talks to grass," Geevee says, shoving a spoonful of stew into her mouth.

Greasy Sae laughs. And I frown as Peeta tries to suppress a smile.

"I do not," I grumble.

"Yes you do," Geevee says around a full mouth. "I saw you."

I frown at my breakfast. The last thing I need is someone proving that I'm mentally unstable. But Peeta surprises me by saying "I talked to trees once."

I look up. "What?"

I seem to have startled him by looking directly at him, but he recovers. "In the arena… after the tracker jackers… I had a conversation with a tree because I thought it was my mother."

I snort, unable to help myself. Geevee squeals. Peeta blushes, but nods. "It's true."

Those clear blue eyes lock on mine for a brief moment and I realize he's done it again. Peeta has put himself on the spot to make me look less like an idiot while also bringing up a memory from our past without making it painful.


	4. Chapter 4 Just as Beautiful

While we're eating, I find out a little more about what's been going on in District 12. After it was destroyed, a mass grave was made in the town square. Several of the people in 12 decided to plant a garden on top of it. I make a mental note to visit it that day. I also learn that Annie Cresta had a son and that Effie Trinket is back in town. Geevee tells me that she's Delly Cartwright's sister. Funny, I only remember Haymitch mentioning she had a younger brother. That all gets cleared up when Peeta explains that Geevee isn't Delly's sister by blood, but Geevee's mother adopted Delly and her brother when she learned their parents hadn't made it. As I suspected, Peeta's been rebuilding homes. And Greasy Sae has been feeding the families without a house. She's opened somewhat of a soup kitchen in her own home. I'm proud of the citizens of 12, working together to make a better future.

When we're all finished eating, Peeta sends Geevee home because her mother will be worried. He helps me wash the dishes while Sae goes through all the game in my icebox since I have finally agreed to sell it.

"Oh lordy, lordy," she says as she returns to the kitchen carrying an armful of squirrels and an armful of rabbits. "This ain't even half of it!" She goes back to the icebox and I'm alone with Peeta again. We clean quietly, him washing, me drying. It feels nice though, just being able to stand next to him without worrying that he's going to attack me or try to hurt himself. I'm able to really look at him. He's gained most of his weight back and his burn scars are fading. His arms have gotten darker from working outside.

When we finish, I bring him the Memory Book. "I added a few others in."

He nods and opens it, leafing through the pages until he lands on Rue's. He touches the ink spots. "It's hard to draw them, too," he whispers.

"You don't have to…" I say, suddenly feeling guilty that I've made him do something that hurts him.

He shakes his head. "No, I want to. I want to. It's just… hard."

I nod. We both know each person in this book deserves to be remembered no matter how painful it is.

Peeta closes the book suddenly, making me jump. "I should be going." He crosses the room, pausing in the doorway. He turns to look at me. "I'll be sure to draw her as beautiful as she was," he promises.

Later that morning, I venture out with Greasy Sae to sell my game. The people of District 12 don't have much money so I accept other offerings as payment, a ball of yarn here, a box of matches there. But despite their limited resources, they're hungry for fresh meat and it's gone by the sixth person we visit.

After selling the meat, Sae goes back to her soup kitchen and I wander over to the garden in progress. It's the most beautiful thing I've seen since I got here. Flowers of every kind blend together in a mosaic of colors. It's not nearly finished but I follow the few stone paths that have been laid amongst the blooms. It's hot out and only a few people are planting so I'm able to walk in peace. Before I know it, the hot mid-morning has turned into early evening and the sun is beginning to set. My stomach grumbles loudly and I return home to find Peeta sitting on my porch.

He smiles when he sees me and hands me the book.

I sit down next to him. "You finished already?" I ask.

"Just Rue's. I wanted you to see it."

I open the book slowly and there she is. Her face looks as real as Peeta's before me. I touch it as gently as if I were actually touching her flesh. Her big brown eyes look out at me from the dark curtain of curls. My lip starts to tremble and my vision becomes cloudy.

"There she is," I whisper as the tears spill over. I close the book and hand it back to Peeta, embarrassed to be crying in front of him, though I've done it many times. Peeta tucks it under his arm and hesitantly reaches out to wipe my cheeks with his palm. I turn away, ashamed of my tears.

"It's okay to miss her, Katniss," he says gently, dropping his hand. "It's okay to cry. I do it too… and I'm a guy."

Despite my misery, Peeta has done the impossible yet again. He's cheered me up by stooping to be my equal.

I sniff and wipe my face with the backs of my hands. "She was just so little." My voice sounds pathetic.

"I know she was." He pats my back, making me burp. I clap my hands over my mouth, embarrassed for the second time that night.

Peeta starts laughing. I feel my cheeks burn.

"Oh come on," he says, seeing my resentful stare. "It's not like I haven't done anything gross in front of you."

I have to admit this is true. I'm reminded of the time when I had to clean the pus out of his leg wound and feel a little better.

We sit on the porch until it gets dark. Peeta gets up to go and I follow him to the end of my front lawn.

"Well," he says, turning to face me.

"Well," I say.

"I'll finish this by the end of the week." He holds up the book.

I nod and he turns to go. "Hey, Peeta?"

He turns back around. "Yeah?" His blue eyes are shining, even in the darkness.

"I missed you," I say sadly.

"I missed you, too, Katniss."


	5. Chapter 5 Surprise

_**I know this chapter is short, but I will update with Chapter 6 soon!**_

I'm walking through the Seam. The sun has just come out and the miners are headed to work. I walk along the dusty road until I see Prim a few yards ahead. I call out to her and she looks up.

"Come here, little duck," I say.

She smiles at me and starts walking over. Suddenly the earth begins to shake and the road between us splits down the middle, a large hole ripping through the ground. I scream for Prim to stop, but she continues walking toward me, the smile still on her face. There's no way I can reach her. The pit before me stretches left and right as far as I can see. Her feet are almost at the edge of the gap.

"Prim!" My shrieks cut through my throat and I feel like my lungs will burst with the effort. "Stop!"

Just before she steps off the edge, she gives me a curious look. "But Katniss, there's roses down there. Won't you come with me?"

And then she's tumbling into oblivion, a smile still on her face.

I wake up in a tangle of sheets; my hair is plastered to my forehead with sweat. I scream a long scream into my pillow then sit up shakily and put my head between my legs. _My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. Prim did not fall into a pit. There was no pit. It was just a dream. _

The sun is coming up when I go downstairs. Buttercup is watching me from the couch in the living room. He doesn't hiss at me anymore, but I can't be sure he likes me either. I braid my hair quickly and then go outside. The walls of the house can be suffocating at times and the fresh air is a release. I decide to check on the progress of the bakery, and though it's only been a day since I last saw it, the change is remarkable. Three of the four brick walls are finished and the beginnings of a roof are visible.

"Katniss!"

I turn to find Geevee loping towards me. Peeta is a few steps behind her. "Hi, Geevee," I call as she bounds down the road.

"Katniss, guess what?" she shouts, barreling into me.

"What?" I ask, steadying myself as she clings to my leg. Her yellow-haired head barely reaches my waist.

"You're going on a trip!"

"What?" I ask again, looking to Peeta for clarification.

"Dr. Aurelius wants us to come back for a check-up of sorts."

I frown. "I thought he was treating us over the phone."

"Well, yeah. But it's easy to tell him you're doing fine. He needs to see it, too."

I shake my head. "Where are we going then?"

"To the capitol."


	6. Chapter 6 Heading Back

_**First, thank you to all my readers no matter how few. And second, I'm still trying to get a feel for chapter length. This one is longer than my other ones (which I now realize were very short), but I'm still not sure if it's long enough. So bear with me while I get that figure out!**_

It's like we're on our way to the Games again. Haymitch and Peeta and I. All stuck on a train. Even Effie is headed back with us. The only difference is the addition of Greasy Sae. She only got to come with us because I threw a fit until they agreed. I needed at least one person I could talk to who wasn't drunk, or over-excitable. And I wasn't sure what was between Peeta and me anymore. So I didn't know if I was allowed to take advantage of his time with my complaints.

The inside of the train looks exactly like the one that carried us to the arena and then through the victory tour. I wander through the dining car. Same table, same chairs. But it can't be the same train. Most were destroyed during the rebellion along with the tracks. Effie warned us after we boarded that we would be stopping often since there are several places along the way where the tracks have been destroyed. The people assigned by President Paylor to work on the tracks have tried their best to make quick, temporary repairs to allow trains to get by, but each one has to be rebuilt for each train.

I reach my room and go inside, happy to be out of earshot of Effie's unending trill about how Peeta and I have grown "so, so, so much!" I go straight to the bathroom and program the shower to a light drizzle. The water isn't too hot, and it feels good on my raw skin. I stand there until my hands get wrinkly, not even bothering to wash anything. I wrap myself in a plush towel, using another one for my hair and go sit on the bed. Already, I'm bored. Already, I'm wishing to be back in District 12. I hadn't realized how much 12 felt like home again until I was on this train, wishing to be back in my house with Buttercup sleeping in the sun. I take the memory book out of the bag I packed; we had to bring our own clothes, there would be no silly outfits waiting for us in the closets here.

There's a knock at the door and I look up to see Haymitch come in, a bottle of something brown locked tight in his fist. He takes a seat next to me and I notice his usual repugnant odor is poorly hidden underneath a fresh, lemony scent.

"Haymitch!" I say, astonished. "Did you make a discovery today?"

He looks at me, confused.

"They're called showers," I continue, being a bit more condescending than I should.

He gives me a nasty look and then frowns at the bottle in his hand. "Effie promised me access to the liquor car if I promised to bathe."

I should have guessed. Haymitch wasn't one to be voluntarily hygienic, and there's not much he wouldn't do for a drop of alcohol.

"What's that?" he asks, pointing to the Memory Book.

I flip it over so he can see the cover.

"Ah, yes. Therapy." He holds his bottle out to me. "My way is easier, sweetheart."

I push his hand away. "Is there a reason you came to see me?"

"I'd like to add a few pages to your diary there," he says, gesturing to the Memory Book.

"I didn't know you knew anyone worth remembering." I know it's a low blow, but I've already been rubbed the wrong way by having to go back to the Capitol, the one place that houses the worst of my memories. Plus, he's made me mad by degrading my Memory Book to a diary.

Haymitch takes a long drink from his bottle before staring at it. "Twenty-three years of mentoring puts you in the paths of some interesting people. I'd say there's at least forty-six worth remembering."

I realize he's talking about the tributes he mentored. I hand him the book. "You can give it back to me when you're done," I say.

"Sure thing, sweetheart." He takes the book and then shuffles out of the room.

I realize I'm still in my towel and guess I should be embarrassed that I sat here like this with Haymitch around, but I'm suddenly too tired to care. I toss the towels in a pile on the floor and climb between the sheets. They're much softer than the ones at home and much to my dismay I drift off easily, allowing the nightmares to consume my thoughts.

When I wake in the morning, I can't remember my dream, but I'm struck with the sudden fear that I'm alone. That everyone I know- Effie, Haymitch, Peeta, Greasy Sae, Geevee—is gone. I'm paralyzed with terror. I can't move my arms or my legs. I try to open my mouth to scream but my lips are frozen shut. The walls are moving, closing in on me. And all I can do is watch as the ceiling begins to drip hot, thick blood onto the mattress. I manage to get my eyes closed and when I open them, the world is dark, I'm sitting straight up in my bed and a horrific shrieking is reverberating through the train. I'm relieved to find that I can move my limbs and I clamp my hands over my ears. If only that terrible noise would stop. It's then that I realize it's me. The horrible screeching is coming from somewhere deep in my chest, working its way past my lips. I stop screaming and bite my cheek, hoping I didn't wake anyone. But it's too late to hope because I hear footsteps coming down the hall toward my room.

"Katniss?" The door to my room opens and Peeta's head pops in.

I can barely see his face in the darkness, but he suddenly looks embarrassed.

"Oh, sorry," he says, shutting the door.

I look down. _Oh._ I hadn't put anything on after dumping my towels by the bed and I'm naked. I feel my way to my bag in the dark and pull on the first thing I find.

"You can come in now," I call, hoping Peeta is still out there. The door opens and a thin snake of light from the hallway shines on the carpet for a moment, then it's gone, as the door swings shut.

"Peeta?" I squint in the dark, trying to find him.

Someone sits on the bed and I scream.

"Sh! It's okay it's just me," he whispers from the blackness.

"Where are you?" I feel around until I touch his hair, then his face.

"You found me," he says, his voice muffled by my hand. He takes it off his face and holds it in both of his. "Are you okay? I heard you screaming."

I nod then realize he can't see me. "I'm fine."

"Nightmares?"

"Yes."

He seems to sense that I don't want to talk about it and I feel him get up to leave.

"Wait, don't go," I say pathetically.

"I'm just turning the lights on."

I listen to Peeta stumble around until there's a click and the room is illuminated. He walks back over to the bed, sits down, takes a good look at me, and laughs.

"What?" I look down. Only one of my arms made it through a sleeve. The other one is tucked into my pocket. _Well it's better than being naked._ I adjust myself.

"Was it about Prim?" he asks.

"What?"

"Your nightmare. Was it about Prim?"

I shake my head. "No. This one was… lonely." That's about the only way to sum it up.

Peeta nods. "I have those, too."

We sit there in silence for a long minute. "Well," Peeta says finally. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

I nod. "Thanks."

He reaches over to squeeze my hand and leaves. As I pull the sheets back up to my chin I feel a thin wisp of hope that maybe the boy with the bread will return to me after all.


	7. Chapter 7 The Real Reason

_**Hi guys! Here's chapter 7. I'm still working on chapter length, but this one is longer so I think I'm getting a grasp on it. Enjoy :)**_

It's early afternoon when I wake up. I'm confused at first, wondering where Effie is to inform me of another 'big, big, big day', when I remember there's nothing to get up for. No more parties or spotlights. No more having to pretend. Not only that, there are no more promos to shoot. I am no longer the mockingjay. A strange wave of relief passes through me. Today, I won't have to wonder if I'll make it to the night alive. I don't have to worry about Snow hurting the ones I love. I'm about to get out of bed, revived by these new realizations when another one forces me back to the mattress. I don't have to worry about Snow hurting the ones I love… because there aren't any left. I sink back under the blankets and pull a pillow over my head. The pain starts as a dull ache in my chest. Gale. He's off in District 2 making a life without me, driven away by my inability to forgive. The ache grows stronger. Cinna. Killed because of my involvement in the rebellion. There's no longer an ache, but sharp jabs to my heart. My father. Gone the longest, but missed the most. Now my torso is on fire. Prim. Innocent Prim. She could have done so much, would have done it, too. Now I'll never get to see her grow up, never get to see all the beautiful things she would have done.

_My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am seventeen years old. Why is Prim dead? Why am I not? I have done nothing to deserve this life. _

Hunger eventually forces me out of bed. I leave my hair in a tangled mess and walk to the dining car. It must be dinnertime because everybody else is already there. Greasy Sae and Peeta are talking quietly. Peeta's forehead is scrunched in concentration. Haymitch is passed out in his chair. His head rolls onto Effie's shoulder and she pushes it away with a napkin-covered finger. Everyone, with the exception of Haymitch, looks up when I sit down.

"Ah good, now we can begin," Effie says, daintily placing a napkin across her lap.

I'm startled to see an Avox come in with our food. I thought the rebellion did away with any type of servants. But this one is different. He smiles at each of us while he lays the food on the table. Effie even returns the smile and thanks him before he disappears.

I dig in, not caring about manners. I'm not even sure what I'm putting in my mouth, but it tastes good so I continue. We eat in silence, apart from an occasional snore from Haymitch. When the Avox returns to switch out the main course with dessert, Effie clears her throat.

"I think it is truly wonderful what you are doing back in District 12," she says.

I look up from my pie. "What do you mean?"

"All that rebuilding. And that _cute_ garden you've started. It's just so… so refreshing to see people come together like that." She sighs.

"But that's what anyone would do," Peeta says. "I mean the obvious thing is to help each other. What kind of a person just sits around and wallows in their own misery waiting for other people to fix their problems?"

I know his comment wasn't directed at me, but it still stings. Isn't that exactly what I've been doing? I've spent night after night back in 12 crying for my losses. The only reason I went outside was to hunt, to make _me _feel better. Peeta has unintentionally made me feel weak and selfish. And I'm suddenly angry with him for it.

"Not everyone is perfect and helpful like you, Peeta," I snap, getting up to leave.

He frowns at me. "That's not what I meant, Katniss."

"No, you're right. What you must have meant was 'Hey, Katniss. Why don't you get over yourself? No one else here has any problems, so why do you?'" I know I'm being ridiculous, but I can't stop myself. "You may be able to skip around like nothing happened, but some of us lost everything, Peeta!"

He stands up, knocking his chair over. "I lost my family, Katniss! I lost my _mind_. I still don't know what's real or what's not! Do you think I _liked_ playing that stupid game? Do you think I enjoyed having other people know more about my own past than me?"

It's the first time Peeta has ever yelled at me. I take a step back from him. He's clenching his teeth and his arms are trembling. Our shouting has woken up Haymitch and I notice him taking cautious steps toward Peeta. Greasy Sae is doing the same. I don't understand the terrified looks on their faces until Peeta lunges across the table at me.

I scream and jump out of the way. He flies past me, crashing into the wall on the other side.

"Run, Katniss!" Greasy Sae shouts, pulling me up by the arm. "Go to your room and lock the door!"

I nod and then stumble down the train. I slam into my door, forgetting to turn the knob. I get it open just in time. Peeta is barreling down the hall towards me. I pull the door shut and lock it with shaky fingers.

Peeta slams into the door just as I had only moments ago. He starts pounding on it. "Get out here, you stupid mutt!" he shouts.

I back away from the door. "Stop it, Peeta!"

"Why? Are you afraid? You should be! Because the second I get in there I'm gonna—"

There's dull thud and the sound of Peeta falling to the floor.

"Got 'em." I hear Greasy Sae say. "You can come out now, dear."

I hesitate before opening the door. Haymitch is carrying Peeta down the hall with the help of an Avox. Greasy Sae is watching them pan in hand.

"I thought that was over," I say quietly. "I thought he was better."

Greasy Sae turns to look at me. Her expression is hard. "We've managed to keep him away from you when it happens. Usually we lock him up in his house and he gets it all out within a few minutes. This time was much worse."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I want to start yelling again but I'm afraid I'll wake Peeta. "I thought Dr. Aurelius let him come back because he was okay."

"We didn't think you needed any more on your plate. And he was okay… when he was away from you. You weren't in the Capitol to trigger the episodes so Dr. Aurelius assumed he was better. But he was wrong."

"Then why did you let him come on the train with me?"

"It was too much work to try to get two trains, one for each of you. Effie had a hell of a time just getting this one."

"So…" I pause, thinking. "So this is the real reason we're going back? It's not just a 'check-up' is it?"

Sae shakes her head slowly. "I'm afraid not, dear. But we'll be coming home real quickly, as soon as we drop him off."

"Drop him off?"

She nods.

"So he's not coming back to 12 then," I say dully.

Sae puts a hand on my shoulder. "I know it's hard. But this is what's best."

"Why am I here, then?" I ask.

"Dr. Aurelius actually does want to see you, too."

"Oh," I say numbly before going back into my room.

I lay wide-awake in the darkness. At one point, Peeta regains consciousness and I can hear his shouts from down the hall. I try to tune out Haymitch and Sae's attempts to calm him. I wonder where Effie is. Probably hiding under her bed. I pull the covers over my head and hum Rue's four-note song to myself until I fall asleep. That night, my dreams are blank except for Peeta. He's standing in the distance. I begin to walk towards him, but the faster I walk, the farther he gets. I begin to run, shouting his name but it's no use. He's just a speck on the horizon now. I stop, trying to catch my breath but I can't. I can't move the air in and out of my lungs. I'm suffocating and Peeta is disappearing and I decide that maybe this is best. Maybe I'll go to sleep and never wake up and that would be okay because if I can't have Peeta then why am I even here?


	8. Chapter 8 The Slow Return

_**Hello! Sorry, it's been a while since I've updated. I've been busy. But I think I finally got the chapter length I like! Let me know what you think. :)**_

I wake up with my nose and mouth blocked by my pillow. I throw it off my face and gasp, breathing in the cool early morning air. My head swims with the sudden rush of oxygen to my system. Something, besides the dizziness, doesn't feel quite right. There's no rumbling of the train beneath me. I get up and look out the window. We've stopped. Seeing as Effie had made such a big deal out of how frequently we would have to stop, I'm surprised this is the first time. Unless I've slept through the others.

I wander into the dining car. An Avox greets me with a smile and gestures to a large spread of breakfast items, but I wave it away, not hungry. No one else seems to be up yet so I take a seat in one of the plush chairs and stare at the wall. The events of the previous night creep slowly back into my thoughts. My outburst. Peeta's anger. The real reason we're heading back to the Capitol. I wonder why I don't feel more upset that Peeta may soon be gone from me forever. That I will be back in District 12 alone with my nightmares. It's then that I realize I'm numb. All the pain of loss and suffering has turned into a tasteless emotion. But as I think of all that Peeta has been through because of me, the bland emotion turns to hatred for myself, for the Capitol. I can feel my nails digging into my palms. If I hadn't been born, Peeta wouldn't be suffering. He would be happily dead, never having made it out of the arena. He wouldn't have to miss his family or wonder if anything he remembered was real.

I stand up, feeling a sudden need for fresh air. Outside, it's hot and humid. I wonder what District we're in. Maybe 4. Ahead of me, at the front of the train, several men are carrying heavy wooden blocks and stacking them where the tracks are missing. I wander over. Maybe if I do something helpful, I'll hate myself a little less. I'm about to ask one of them if I can be of assistance when I spot Peeta a few yards away, hefting a steel beam across a stack of the wooden blocks. His blue eyes meet mine and I feel the urge to run like before, at the bakery. But I don't. I guess I should be afraid of him after what happened last night, but all I feel is sympathy for him. Does he know? Does he know that he won't be coming back home?

Peeta sets the beam down and brushes off his hands. I walk over to him slowly, being careful not to make any sudden moves. _Why am I treating him like an angry bear? He's not an animal. He's just Peeta. _I stop. He's just Peeta… who hates me and thinks I'm a mutt. I want to turn and run far, far away, but he's already closed the distance between us. I look at the ground. He doesn't need to see how much being near him hurts. But instead of saying hi or apologizing, I feel his strong arms embrace me. My first instinct is to push him away. These are the same arms that would have crushed me last night. But he's so warm and so… so _Peeta_. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. I don't know how long we stand there for, but too soon, I feel his arms loosening.

"I'm so sorry, Katniss," he whispers before letting go.

I shake my head. "It's not your fault. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"I think me trying to kill you is a lot worse than you losing your temper with me."

I look up and see that there's a sparkle in his eye. I allow myself one shaky laugh. "Stop doing that," I say.

"Doing what?" He frowns.

"Stop making what you do seem worse to make me feel better."

"But it's true. Any bad thing you have ever done pales in comparison to my actions."

Of course asking him to stop wouldn't work. Now that he knows self-degradation is the only way to make me feel better, he's going to do it all the time.

Suddenly, Peeta's selflessness is too much for me and I begin to back away. I don't deserve to be in his presence. He notices.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"Back to the train." _Away from you._

I turn and walk away as quickly as I can without tripping over the construction. Greasy Sae is standing at the train door, waving to me. I jog the rest of the way to her.

"We were wondering where you were. Effie has something she'd like to discuss with you and Peeta."

Effie lets us get about halfway through our meal before she springs her idea on us.

"Katniss, Peeta. I'd like to ask a favor of you both," she says.

I frown. An Effie favor is never equal to a normal one. Chances are we'll be painting her nails for her while she gets her beauty rest. What better way to make her life more efficient? But what she does say is completely unexpected.

"Haymitch and I…" she steals a glance in his direction. He's in another alcohol induced coma. "Would like Katniss to become the Mockingjay again."

I swallow wrong and start coughing loudly. Ever kind Peeta scoots over to pat my back. Greasy Sae drops her fork. Since I can hardly breathe, let alone speak, Peeta asks the question we're all thinking. "What are you talking about?"

Effie sighs. "I understand how this distresses you. I know Katniss never enjoyed the publicity and fame."

Had I not been gasping for air, I would have rolled my eyes. The publicity and fame. _Right._ It wasn't the fact that I was putting myself and the ones I loved in constant danger, no, it was because I didn't like the attention that I was reluctant to be the Mockingjay the first time. The thought of having to be the focal point of all of Panem again makes me want to crawl under my covers in my old home and never come out.

"But," Effie continues over my coughing. "Instead of being a symbol for the rebellion, you would be a symbol for hope."

Hope. There is a word I rarely use. Because to hope for something in District 12 before the rebellion was to wish upon a star that you couldn't see. It was throwing a speck of dust in the darkness and hoping to hit the only other speck of dust out there.

When I've recovered from choking, I immediately begin to shake my head. "No."

"Why ever not?" Effie asks. Silly, ignorant Effie. How could someone as broken and damaged as me _ever _be a symbol for hope? It's not as if I walked out of the arena twice brushing the dust off my shoulders and saying 'Hey, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'. Since returning to District 12, all I've done is wallow in my own misery, as Peeta would put it. I'm about as good a symbol for hope as a rock.

"Of course, you wouldn't be doing it alone," she prompts. "That's where Peeta comes in. If you two could show that… that you stayed together all this time. That you worked through your losses—"

I cut her off. "What do you mean 'stayed together'?"

Effie blinks in astonishment at my inability to understand. "You are the star-crossed lovers of District 12, aren't you?"

I slam my fist on the table, making Peeta who is still patting my back jump. "No! I will not pretend for everyone anymore. They are broken and so am I. I refuse to play your stupid games. _Nothing_ is going to fix any of this. _Nothing _will bring Prim or Finnick or Cinna back." I feel the tears spring into my eyes and spill over before I'm able to get away. When I do manage to escape from my chair and run down the hall to my room, I hear Peeta say sadly, "She doesn't know what it's like out there."

So this is why they've dragged me here. It's not just a simple check up with Dr. Aurelius. Was Greasy Sae lying about Peeta going to the capitol to stay, too? Has he been in on this the whole time? The attack the other night seemed real enough. His anger could not be questioned. But had he really been having all those episodes Sae talked about in District 12? Or was the one on the train a complete surprise to her as well?

I think myself sick. By the time I've run through all the questions in my head, I'm bent over the toilet, losing my breakfast. When I'm finished, I sit on the bathroom floor a while longer, letting the cool tile absorb the angry heat from my palms. I'm sick of being lied to. Don't they know what I've been through? Hasn't it been enough without them keeping secrets from me? I lie down on the tile and try to clear my mind.

I wake up in my bed. It's dark outside. There's a glass of milk on the nightstand. I sit up and am startled to see Peeta sleeping across the foot of my bed. My stomach growls and I reach for the milk. I've been asleep all day and the only thing I'd eaten came back up. The milk is room temperature, but I drink it down in a matter of seconds.

"Peeta," I whisper, nudging him with my foot.

He grumbles and rolls over, opening his eyes. "Oh, hi. You're up." He sits up and stretches.

"Why are you sleeping on my bed?" I ask.

"Oh, I… you were sleeping on the bathroom floor when I came in to check on you so I brought you to your bed."

"Oh," I say. "Thanks."

Peeta nods. "Are you okay? I know what Effie said was-"

"I'm fine."

"You say that. But I don't believe you."

I look away from his gaze. "What she said…I couldn't imagine being that again. Pretending to be okay for everyone. I don't think I'm strong enough."

"You are. You just don't know it."

I shake my head. "No, Peeta. You were right about what you said last night. All I do is sit by myself and wallow in my problems. I-"

"I wasn't talking about you." His voice is angry.

I look up, startled. Peeta is staring at me with sad eyes. "I don't know what to say anymore, Katniss. I can't go a day without hurting you in some way or another. It's so… hard to watch you beat yourself up like this."

I want to pull the covers over my head so he can't see how much his words bother me. Again, I'm the reason he's suffering. My self-pity is hurting Peeta. I'm such a selfish person. I want to run away from myself. Crawl out of my skin and just run. "I'm sorry, Peeta," I whisper. I don't know what else to say. I've never been good with words.

He shakes his head. "No, don't apologize. Just try to remember that we're all a little screwed up." Then a small smile crosses his face. "Maybe some of us more than others."

I find myself wanting him to smile a little bigger, like he used to before the rebellion. I want him to smile at me because I made him happy. I suddenly want so many things I have to shake my head to clear it. Peeta stands up to go, but I grab his hand. "No, don't. Please… please stay," I barely whisper.

A look crosses Peeta's face that I remember seeing in the first arena, in a cave, all that time ago. "Always."


	9. Chapter 9 That Boy

I'm alarmed to wake up to Peeta's sleeping face in front of mine until I remember the previous night. He had crawled in next to me, careful to keep his distance, only stroking my hair until I fell asleep. I watch his eyelids flutter, wondering what he could be dreaming about until I realize I'd slept through the night. No nightmare caused me to wake up screaming or suffocating. But then, I really shouldn't have expected less. Peeta's presence has always had a calming effect on me.

I watch him a while longer. His blond hair has folded over on itself by his ear and is sticking straight forward. I reach out to smooth it back into place. It's the first time I've touched him like this, not grabbing his hand in desperation or accidentally bumping into him, since our last parting hug in the Capitol. My touch wakes him. As his kind blue eyes focus on me, the corners of his mouth lift into the smile I had been so strangely desperate to see the night before. He continues to stare at me, smiling. All I can do is stare back. Rememorize his face.

There's a delicate knock on the door. "Time to wake up! We still have much to discuss!" Effie chirps.

I groan. The thought of another breakfast centered on talking about my being the Mockingjay again makes me feel exhausted. Is Effie really that dense that she didn't notice my less than graceful exit last night? Peeta slides his hand into mine. "Don't worry. I'll be right next to you." But it takes a reassuring squeeze and my stomach reminding me I haven't eaten in twenty-four hours to get me out of bed.

I eat without paying attention to what the Avox is setting in front of me. I'm too hungry to care. Peeta, as promised, is sitting right next to me as Effie rambles on about restoring hope. And about how wouldn't it just be _lovely_ for us to stop at the next district and show them our unending love. I think she actually started tearing up at the thought before a surprisingly sober Haymitch shut her up.

"Katniss doesn't want to be the Mockingjay. We won't make her. End of discussion." He gets up and walks stiffly out of the dining car.

"Well," Effie says.

"They'll find another source of hope," Peeta says.

Effie sniffs. "I sure hope so. With this one," she gestures to me, "we'll never get anything done."

I slam my fork down on the table. I'm angry with Effie for being so ignorant. And I'm angry with her for making me angry. It's because of her that I embarrassed myself the other night by crying and then storming off. And it's because of her that I keep slamming things, which is a habit in some people I've never liked. Peeta puts his hand over mine to keep me from doing anything else violent.

"Leave her alone," he says calmly. "She's been through enough."

Effie raises her nose in the air, but I can see that she knows Peeta is right.

After breakfast, we reach another gap in the tracks. I busy myself with helping Peeta and the workers fix it. As I'm stacking the wooden blocks, I think about what lies ahead. Surely there will be more tries to convince me to be the Mockingjay, which I will not give into. But what will happen when we reach the Capitol? They'll have to tell me it was all a ruse. All a failed attempt to use me yet again. I'll be angry with them, of course. But then I'll be able to return home and live out my life as the ruined mess that I am with no more interference. I won't have to put on a smiling face for anyone ever again. The thought is refreshing and I find myself able to lift the steel beam I'd been struggling with earlier.

Peeta notices a difference in my demeanor as we sit in the shade of a tree by the side of the tracks, waiting for the okay from the workers for our train to continue on.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

"Home."

He nods. "That's always a safe thing to think about. Whenever I'm sad, it makes me feel better to remember I have a home, when not that many people do anymore."

"That's not true. There are lots of people in 12 with a home."

Peeta shakes his head. "I'm not talking about just 12, Katniss." He turns to look at me. "The other districts are suffering."

I frown. It bothers me that I have forgotten about the other districts. Am I really becoming that selfish? "How are they suffering?" I ask.

He sighs. "At first, everyone was too busy celebrating that the rebellion was a success to be concerned with much else. But as things quieted down, more people quit their jobs, holed up in their homes. Things weren't getting done and people were going hungry. But everyone was too deep in their misery to notice."

I shake my head. "It can't be that bad. I mean, how much sadness can they be feeling? Nobody had to go through what we had to go through."

"Not everybody deals with pain as well as we do. We're… used to it."

I can't argue with that. The numb feeling from the day before is already working its way back into my veins, diluting the self-hatred. "So what do we do?"

Peeta gives me a long look before replying. "Tell me, Katniss. Do you still love me?"

I'm completely taken aback by his words. Do I _still_ love him? I wasn't even sure before what I felt for him and now he's suddenly sure I loved him. The thought makes me angry. Who is Peeta to tell me what I feel? And how is this 'love' supposed to help the districts? I'm about to tell him where he can stick that question, when I realize he's still talking.

"-like we did to bring rise to the rebellion." There's a firm look of concentration on his face and I realize he's watching me to judge my reaction.

"Uh, what?" I say. "Could you repeat that?"

"I was saying, if we can convince everyone that we're still together, still… in love, then maybe they will see that hope is still possible. That they can put their lives back together." He looks at my narrowed eyes. "I'm saying… Effie is right."

Peeta is right behind me as I stomp back to the train. When will it end, this constant cycle of trusting people, only to be betrayed? And when will I stop having to reason with that betrayal to the point of trusting them again?

"Katniss, wait," he pleads.

But I continue my angry march. "Is that what you want, Peeta?" I shout over my shoulder. "To lie to everyone else just like you've been lying to me?" I reach the train door and climb in, but I pause in the doorway when I notice Peeta has stopped short at my words.

"I'm just trying to help… I just want to help," he whispers so I barely hear him.

My insides twist with guilt. Peeta had only been keeping things from me so I wouldn't get upset. He knew Effie's idea would anger me. And he didn't tell me about his episodes because he knew that would make me sad. I look at him standing there, so big, yet so small. How could I have missed the way his shoulders hunch as if carrying an unbearable weight? The dark circles underneath his eyes and the sadness in his voice? I'm not the only one who is broken beyond repair.

Suddenly, Peeta is just a little boy hiding behind his mother in the bakery. A boy, who despite his mother's reprimands, helped me when I couldn't help myself. The boy with the bread. I climb back down the steps and go to Peeta. If I can be that person for him, just as he has been for me, then maybe we'll be able to fit some of our pieces back together.

I reach Peeta and without hesitation, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull his face to my shoulder. His sturdy arms find my waist. I can feel his breath against my collarbone. Maybe we will never be two whole people, but together, I know there must be enough left to fill in the gaps.


	10. Chapter 10 The Capitol

_**Hi guys! Thank you so much for your kind reviews. They mean a lot. Sorry this chapter is shorter, but I'll have Chapter 11 done soon!**_

We reach the Capitol the next day. I stare out the window and watch the city approach. It looks almost the same as before the rebellion, except maybe with fewer buildings. Peeta stands with me, his hand still holding on to mine, having never let go since last night. I wasn't sure I was allowed to want Peeta to stay with me another night, but he climbed in right next to me before I could ask. The nightmares couldn't be repressed for two nights in row, though. I still feel guilty for waking Peeta with my thrashing and screaming. His hand was the only anchor I could find amongst the horror. I'm surprised there is any blood left in it after enduring my death grip.

Effie worked at me all through breakfast, coming up with new ideas to try and convince me to be the Mockingjay. Thankfully Peeta didn't join in. He has a way of making people see his side and I'm not immune to it. Greasy Sae eventually shut Effie up by commenting on her outfit, which I could tell was not something she ever did.

I bite the inside of my cheek, not wondering _if_ the horrors of the Capitol will come back to haunt me, but rather wondering _when_. I fight back the image of Prim, beautiful Prim. Gone with the flames.

Peeta squeezes my hand. "It'll be okay, Katniss."

I look up at him. He seems taller than before. Or maybe I just feel smaller. I step to my left so that my shoulder is pressed against his. Maybe I'll absorb some of his courage. But I know I can only wish to ever be as brave as Peeta.

"Alright," Greasy Sae says from behind us, making me jump. "Sorry, Katniss. Didn't mean to scare ya, dear. Just wanted to let you know that Dr. Aurelius called. He'll be meeting us at the station."

I narrow my eyes. So they're still keeping up the check-up act. I sigh. Maybe since they know I won't give in to being the Mockingjay, they're going along with the lie they created to get me here. A few chats with Dr. Aurelius, a couple fake smiles, and I'll be going home. _But Peeta won't_, a dark recess of my mind reminds me. I look at his arm against mine. Strong, sturdy Peeta. Surely him staying in the Capitol was part of the lie. He'll be coming home with me. Unless I was right about them going along with the lie. Then that would mean Peeta really is staying in the Capitol. He'll be stuck there unless I agree to be the Mockingjay again. I squeeze my eyes shut at the sudden throbbing in my temple. This wouldn't be the first time Peeta will suffer because of my own selfishness. Because of my own irrational fear that becoming the Mockingjay will bring more pain than it will hope.

"I'll do it," I whisper quietly.

"Did you say something?" Peeta asks, switching his focus from the window to me.

"I said 'I'll do it.'" I feel something strange and twisted in my chest slowly unravel. The relief that comes with it is small, but significant. "I'll be the Mockingjay."

Peeta is silent for a long moment. There's pain in his eyes that I don't understand. "You don't have to do this, Katniss."

I nod. "Yes I do."

He sighs, closing his eyes. "Okay. Let's tell Effie."

I'm confused at his reaction. I thought he would be happy that I agreed. Hadn't he told me just the day before that Effie was right?

Of course, Effie is ecstatic. She's bouncing in her ridiculous high-heeled shoes. Haymitch gives my shoulder a squeeze, his face expressionless. I'm not sure if he's congratulating me or comforting me. There's a look in his eye that tells me he's about as excited as I am. Peeta remains quiet as Effie twitters on about how we'll need to find me a new stylist. I can't go around talking up the districts looking the way I do. Greasy Sae eventually guides me away from the incessant babble, giving Effie the excuse of needing to freshen me up for my arrival in the Capitol.

Sae sits next to me on my bed. "Are you sure you want to do this, Katniss?"  
I nod. "There's nothing else left for me to do." And as I say this, I realize its truth. If I go back home now, I'll be comfortable, but miserable. If I stay, it'll be hard, but maybe it will do some good for the other districts. I have to try.

Sae pats my back. "You're a strong girl. Show them that." Then she leaves me alone to clean up.

I'm not surprised that Dr. Aurelius doesn't show up. Effie makes the excuse that he got caught up in an earlier appointment. I know better, but I don't call her out on it. They may have lied to me, but it was all in pursuit of helping the people of Panem. I know that now.

A few people do meet us, though. None of their faces are recognizable. I'm relieved to see that they wear normal clothes and that their skin is a natural shade. Given that we are in the Capitol, I had been preparing myself for rainbow hair and long, claw-like nails.

Peeta keeps a light hand on the small of my back as we're lead through the city. I'm grateful for it because the urge to turn around and run back to the train is tugging at my every nerve. Luckily, we are still in the outskirts of the city and President Palor's mansion, once belonging to Snow, is out of view. I know that once I'm back near the site of Prim's death, I will lose all control. And the grasp I do have on my sanity is already so weak.

Under Peeta's touch, I obediently follow our guides as we navigate the streets. Haymitch remains on my other side, sneaking looks at me every now and then. What is he watching for? My attempt to escape? A waterfall of tears? I try to ignore him.

We arrive at a tall, pinkish building. The pastel colored streets of the Capitol have yet to be stripped down and rebuilt. But I know they can't last forever. The sight of them must sicken the rebels as much as they sicken me.

Our guides unlock the padlocked front door and lead us inside. I enter a rainbow of a hall. The doors on either side of us are every hue of every color. And the hallway itself is an irritating yellow. I cringe against Peeta as one of our guides, I think his name is Tyrus, explains that this is the Visiting Center, where guests like ourselves stay. "The center of the city is being rebuilt," Tyrus says. "And since all our efforts are focused there, we haven't gotten to these outer buildings yet, so you'll have to excuse the... excessive décor."

I look up as we pass under a massive chandelier. The crystals hanging from it are in the shape of butterflies. The center is a giant flower. I almost gag. I turn around. I can't stay here. It's too much. It's too bright and colorful and too… Capitol. But Peeta's arm catches me and swings me back around. "Come on, Katniss. You're tougher than that."

I used to be, maybe. Now I'm just an empty shell of that girl who fought twice in the arena. But Peeta's arm across my waist is too strong to resist, so I allow him to continue dragging me toward a future I'm suddenly terrified to face.


	11. Chapter 11 Another Piece

Hell, it seems, is a brightly colored city that slowly absorbs your sanity. We've only been in the Capitol two days and I find myself running from the Visiting Center in the direction of the train station. The only difference between this bout of misery and the others is that I can pinpoint the exact moment it started. Back in District 12, I would often find myself on the floor of the bathroom, not sure how I got there or what caused the sudden, immobilizing pain in my chest. This time, I know.

We were sitting in the dining room of the Center. Haymitch was diluting his tea with vodka and Effie was curling her two-inch long eyelashes. My stomach had finally decided to stop letting the environment disrupt my eating. I had a spoonful of lamb stew in my hand when I looked across to see Peeta tearing a roll apart and dipping it in hot chocolate. Suddenly, we were in the train on our way to the Capitol before the first game. I was thinking of Prim and my mother and how they would survive without me, hoping that Gale would take care of them—a spoonful of lamb stew in my hand.

I let out a strangled laugh, breaking out of the memory. Funny how I had been so worried for Prim when it wouldn't matter later on. She'd be dead. Nobody needs to be taken care of when they're dead. And wasn't it just hilarious how I trusted Gale to care for Prim when all he ever did was take her away. And my mother. I worried for her, too. What a joke then, that she decided it wasn't worth her time to come back and stay with me in 12.

As I continue sprinting toward escape, it's not the fact that they are gone that really gets me. It's the realization that two of them are no longer here by their own free will. My best friend and my mother _left_ me. Am I really so broken that I'm worthless even to them?

I reach the station. It's empty, not a train in sight. I'm not sure what I expected to find here. I sit down in the grass that hugs the tracks. My forehead finds my knees and I wait, but the tears don't come. I feel surprisingly calm. And that scares me. Has it finally happened? Have I finally snapped? No. The sorrow of losing my mother and Gale and the anger at them leaving me seem to have canceled each other out, leaving me with lightness in my chest. I take my first whole breath since the arena. But it hitches in my throat when I think of Prim. I wait for the tears again, but my eyes stay dry. I know that Prim is gone, and that hurts more than anything I have ever known. But the pain no longer seems like something I can't get past, rather it feels like a soreness I will always have in my heart, but that I will get used to. I will learn to live with it. I will not let being here in the capitol destroy me. I will not be defeated again.

Peeta finds me a few minutes later. He approaches me carefully. "Katniss? Are you okay?"

I stand up, nodding. "Yes." And I'm not lying. I feel like a piece of my shattered puzzle has worked it's way painfully back. I don't physically need Prim anymore. The memories will be enough.

Peeta still looks concerned. I lift the corners of my mouth ever so slightly to prove it to him. The movement feels rusty and unnatural. It's not a smile, really, but it's a start.

"Why did you run away?"

I shrug. "It was too much too soon. But I'm done now, Peeta. I'm done running."

He takes a wary step toward me. I must seem crazy to him. Running away hysterically one second, then trying to smile the next. "Honestly, I'm okay," I say.

Peeta still doesn't look convinced, but he takes my hand anyway. We walk back to the Visiting Center in silence. Peeta is observing me quietly, watching for signs that I have snapped. The pressure of his palm against mine reminds me that even after everything I have lost, I still have Peeta. I still have the boy with the bread. Something inside me warms at the thought. I think back a couple nights to when he smiled at me on the train. It seemed to have triggered a chain reaction inside of me. The sudden rush of desire for Peeta to be happy and be happy with me had caught me off guard. But now when I feel it as we walk down the streets of the Capitol, it doesn't surprise me. There has never been just me, and just Peeta. Everything we have been through, we've been through together.

I stop in the middle of the street. Peeta, not expecting my sudden halt, keeps walking a few steps until he notices my hand slide out of his. He turns back. "Katniss? What's wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nothing. I just… thought of something." The realization I've come to causes my heart to beat fast. Peeta has always been patient with me. Any unkindness he displayed toward me was either a side effect of the tracker jacker venom or for my own good. Not once was there a moment when I was hurting that he didn't ask me what was wrong. But he never pressed. He never pushed me to do things I wasn't capable of. Yet, he never held me back. He always told me I was strong, even though I didn't believe it. And here I stood, putting the pieces of myself back together despite the pain, proving him right all the time. How was it that Peeta knew me better than myself? The truth hits me like a sweet summer breeze. Nothing has changed since he threw me the bread on that hopeless day.

"You love me," I say suddenly.

There's a long, silent pause before Peeta nods slowly. "I do."

I don't hesitate to walk into his open arms.

"I really do," he whispers into my hair.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to see."

Effie is throwing a fit when we return. "Do you know what you just did to me, Katniss? I thought you'd run away for good. Then where was I going to find another Mockingjay? You worried me sick." She throws her hand to her chest dramatically. "I need a drink. Haymitch? Where are you?" The clacking of her heels disappears down the hall.

Haymitch emerges from a different hall. "Good. She's gone." He directs a hard look in my direction. "Stop running away. You're going to kill the poor woman." He pauses. "On second thought…" He waves the thought away with his hand. "The rest of the day is yours, but you better be up bright and early tomorrow morning. Effie has a lot planned and if I have to hear another second of her whining, I'm gonna…" Haymitch stares at the bottle in his hand, and then looks back to us. "I haven't forgotten how you woke me up in the Victor's Village."

I nod, making a mental note to set an alarm. I'd rather wake up to that than a bucket of cold water splashed over me.

After Haymitch leaves, Peeta and I are alone in the front room of the Visiting Center. I look up at him, not sure what to say. But I don't have long to be concerned with finding a subject for conversation because Peeta leans in and kisses me. It's fast and soft, nothing like the rehearsed ones we'd shared in front of audiences.

Peeta gauges my reaction. I surprise myself by smiling. It's not forced and it's not fake. A real smile. Peeta returns it. I'm stunned by how long it's been since I've felt remotely happy. The warmth spreading to my heart startles me, but it feels so good. I press my palms to his strong, sturdy chest and stand on my toes to kiss him again. And for the moment, I forget that I'm in the Capitol. I forget that I have lost everything. I allow myself to feel happy.


	12. Chapter 12 Rebuilding

_**Hi guys! Sorry it took me so long to get another chapter out. I was out of the country. But I'm back and I'm still writing I promise! Enjoy :)**_

As promised, Peeta and I are at breakfast before the sun is even up. Effie pulls a long strip of white paper from her obnoxious yellow handbag and spreads it out on the table. "Here is today's schedule."

I look over at the endless lines of writing. "Effie, there's only twenty-four hours in a day," I remind her.

She shoots me a look. "And we'll be using every second. First things first, we're taking a tour of the city center. They're redecorating it and I thought wouldn't that be fun to see?"

I sigh. Redecorating was such a fluffy, shallow word to use for what was actually being done. Tyrus explained to us that they are rebuilding the center of the city. I hope it looks as different from what it used to as possible. The last time I saw Prim alive was in the town square, where the heart of the construction is taking place. I don't think I could face it if it still looked the same. At least now I might be able to pretend it's somewhere else.

Effie prattles on about meeting some important person or another and how so very delighted she is that we're here. "We've organized somewhat of a party tonight," she continues. "Well… as much of a party as we could make with what's left here. I cannot believe how difficult it was to find a decent musician here. Oh! And the nerve of…" Effie realizes she's babbling and redirects her thoughts. "Haymitch and I thought it would be lovely if you two could make a speech of some kind. To let the people here know you're alive and well. To give them hope. Of course, it won't be televised like before. So when we're finished in the Capitol, we'll be visiting each district separately to tell them about your… undying love." I think Effie actually chokes up.

I sigh. I know I signed up for hell when I agreed to be the Mockingjay, but I was hoping maybe Effie would use some discretion and take it slow. Instead, I find myself being made presentable by a man with a green comb over and blue-tinted teeth. Effie informs me that he's the last decent stylist left in the Capitol. I grit my teeth as he yanks a brush through my gnarly hair.

"This," he says pulling a chunk of my hair from his brush. "This will not do. Antonius does not work with such filth!" He covers his eyes dramatically. "Oh if only I still had my prep team. I would not be put into such horrible conditions." Then he drops his hand and looks at me. I raise my eyebrows. "Of course," he touches my cheek. "You have such a lovely complexion… Antonius will not be defeated by this mane!" He goes back to yanking the brush through the tangles.

This happens at least twice more. When Antonius reaches my fingernails he puts his fist to his mouth and makes an awful moaning sound, but alas, there's my lovely complexion and he goes back to filing my 'monstrous claws'. And when he gets around to removing body hair, Antonius actually has to leave the room before tackling the 'biggest challenge in his career' that is my leg hair.

While I'm being plucked and scrubbed, Cinna is on my mind. I miss the way his presence calmed me. He was the last face I saw before going into the Games. I could trust that whatever piece of clothing Cinna put me in would be stunning. I have Antonius pegged for someone who would go with the naked, covered in coal dust look that seemed popular at previous Games. I don't trust him.

When it comes time for me to get dressed, I'm surprised to see Antonius holding up a simple yellow sundress. It has a white ribbon that ties around the waist. There are no straps and Antonius pins it tight so it won't fall. He fluffs my freshly curled hair and positions it around my face. Then he steps back and clasps his hands together. "Yes. Yes, this is good."

I face myself in the mirror. I look like a stranger, all put together. The dirt that I thought had been tattooed into my pores has been scrubbed away. All my cuts and scars covered with a fine layer of makeup. I run my fingers through my smooth hair. I wish Cinna could see me. The only part I really enjoyed of being worked on was the look on his face when he saw the finished product. His eyes would shine like his gold eyeliner.

Antonius interrupts my thoughts with a pair of strappy sandals dangling in my face. I put them on. They're made of braided leather and are soft on my feet. Antonius does a final inspection, picking off invisible specks of lint from my dress, and then he opens the door and motions me out.

Peeta and Effie are waiting in the lobby. Peeta is dressed in a yellow v-neck t-shirt and white pants. I groan. So they're back to the matching outfits. He looks up when I walk in and the corners of his mouth lift. Effie claps excitedly. "How precious! How incredibly _adorable_." She totters over to me on four-inch heels and grabs my arms. "Are you ready to embrace the day, Katniss?"

It takes Haymitch another hour to stumble down to where we're waiting. Effie's face turns bright red underneath her white makeup. "We are on a very tight schedule, Haymitch." She spits his name.

He rolls his eyes and takes a swig from the bottle in his hand. "Shall we?"

We all pile into a glossy black car. Effie whines about all the trouble she had to go to get it. "They just don't have standards here anymore." She sighs.

I look at Peeta. He rolls his eyes. We're sitting in the back seat together. Poor Haymitch is stuck with Effie in the front seat. Poor Effie is stuck with Haymitch. The poor driver is stuck with both of them shouting different directions at him.

Peeta reaches over and adjusts my dress over my knees. "You look beautiful," he whispers. It's not like he hasn't told me that before, but this time it causes a rush of heat to my cheeks. I take his hand and slide my fingers in between his. Holding Peeta's hand is like having a lifeline to my past. He's the only person aside from Haymitch who was there before everything changed and who stuck around after. But talking to Haymitch is like talking to a wall most days, so I'm left to rely on Peeta. And I'm okay with that.

The brightly colored buildings of the Capitol slowly turn into charred rubble. I watch as the pinks and the yellows become black and brown. Walls that survived the rebellion stand out like paint splatters against a dark canvas. I squeeze Peeta's hand tighter. "I thought they were rebuilding," I say. "Why does it look the same?"

"I guess they haven't gotten to these parts yet." His eyes are glued to the window just as mine are.

The scenery outside remains the same for a long time. It looks like we're driving through the inside of a giant furnace. Everyone is silent. Even Effie has stopped her mindless chatter. We all watch as the destroyed world around us rolls past. Then little by little, workers appear on the side of the road, hauling rubble into carts. When we reach our destination, the streets are crowded with people shouting orders and bustling around. I'm surprised to see people in Capitol clothing helping out the workers. I thought the remaining citizens would have holed up somewhere and waited for someone else to do the work.

I cling to Peeta's arm as we approach the town square. I don't recognize that that's where we are until Effie tells us. The street has been swept clean and the buildings on either side of us look brand new. "Where do they get the supplies to rebuild?" I ask Effie.

"They use what's left over here. But instead of keeping all the fun colors, they paint over them. Such a shame."

I look closely at the buildings. They look like ragdolls, parts of them not quite fitting together. But each one is covered in a thick coat of white paint; masking any sign of the vibrant Capitol colors. The street is made of a black material that Effie calls 'asphalt'. We approach a large, one story building. It looks like the top of it was broken off because there are parts of the roof that jut out at odd angles. As we cross through a fence that runs the perimeter of the building, my chest clenches. Something about this lawn is familiar. Grass grows in tufts and patches, but the charred ground in between is bare.

"Hopefully President Paylor is home," Effie mutters as she dodges uneven patches of ground.

"President Paylor?" Peeta asks.

"Yes," Effie says. "This is the Presidents Mansion after all."

I stop midstride. "President Snow's old mansion?" I choke out.

Effie nods. "They took off the top part. Paylor said it was too showy. Too fancy for her taste. Of course, I disagree."

I can't find it in myself to take another step. Peeta tugs on my hand. "Come on, Katniss."

I shake my head. President Snow's lawn was where they let all the children in. It was where they dropped the silver parachutes. This is where Prim died.

Peeta seems to make the realization at the same time I do. "Maybe Katniss and I can wait out here. Help the workers while you guys go ahead."

Haymitch eyes me and nods. "That might be best."

Effie clicks her tongue. "No, no, no. President Paylor wants to see Katniss and Peeta face to face. You forget she is your leader now."

"Then she can come to us," Peeta says defiantly. He puts his arm around me and we walk away.

Once we reach the street, the knot in my chest loosens. I keep my back to the mansion and take a seat on a piece of rubble. Peeta sits next to me. He runs a hand down my hair, smoothing it. "Are—"

"Don't ask me if I'm okay. That's a stupid question," I say, cutting him off.

Peeta takes his hand away. "I know. Sorry."

I sigh and lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder. "Sometimes I forget," I say.

"Forget what?"

"That I'm not very good at this." I look up at him.

Peeta frowns. "Good at what?"

I point to him then I point to me. "This." Then I gesture around us. "And this." I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Peeta shakes his head. "There's no right way to do it. To handle everything." He pauses. "To be together." He looks at me and then smiles a little. "We're already pretty messed up. I think anything you or I do from this point on is a step in the right direction as long as we have good intentions."

I nod. That's why I have Peeta. Because he's good with words and I'm not. Because he's kind and I'm not. Because he understands that the way the world works is the way it works and that's that and I'm still selfish enough to think it should go my way sometimes.


	13. Chapter 13 Party

_**I know this chapter is short, but I haven't had a lot of time to write! I'll update soon.**_

After shaking the hands of several people dressed in Effie-style outfits and trying to tune out their nasal voices, I find myself in the town square again. This time, the workers are replaced with party guests dressed in fancy clothing. I'm wearing a deep green sequined dress that has a slit up to my knee. Antonius and I were put into the ring again after visiting all of Effie's 'important people'. After a long and tiresome battle with the ashes that had gathered around my ankles and settled into my hair from walking through the charred part of the Capitol, Antonius made an impressive finished product. My hair is pinned to fall over one shoulder in large curls. My makeup is dark and fierce. I'm glad to see that the only part of Peeta's outfit that matches mine is his dark green bowtie. The otherwise plain black tuxedo has a sense of normalcy to it.

The newly paved streets are covered in silver confetti. I wonder where the people of the Capitol still manage to get such ridiculous things even after most of it was destroyed. Twinkling lights hang between the tall buildings on either side of us, criss-crossing above our heads in a chain of stars.

Up ahead, I see a giant fountain pouring some kind of brown liquid down its sides. People stand around it, skewering food on sticks and dipping them in the stuff. When we get closer, I see that it's chocolate—something we never had in District 12. A man with a bald head dyed a bright pink greets Peeta and I.

"Hello, hello. Welcome honored guests. I'm Vice President Gustavo."

I shake his hand. "Katniss." It sounds like a question. I stare over his shoulder, my eyes wide, taking in all the décor around me. Three women in matching green skirts watch a man pull a glittering bouquet from his sleeve. The flames from nearby jeweled fire pits where people gather glint off the man's silver lipstick.

A party of sorts. That's what Effie had called it. Clearly the people of the Capitol wasted no time in getting their living conditions back in order. It didn't feel like I'd been in District 12 long enough for people to have fixed their lives elsewhere. But the Capitol was proof that even the silliest of people could put themselves back together.

I find myself feeling insignificant for the billionth time that day. Peeta pulls me along through the throngs of people. I'm covered in glitter by the time we reach the other side of the crowd. Effie finds us. She's wearing a poofy ball gown that makes it impossible for anyone to get within three feet of her. Her hair is a metallic purple.

"There you are my beauties!" She leans forward to hug me and I'm momentarily lost in the skirt of her dress. "How do you like the party? It turns out the people here have been waiting for so long to have an excuse to throw one. They brought out all their best dresses and food." She sighs and flutters her eyelids dreamily at the glittering streets.

I'm surprised to see Haymitch in a tuxedo. He gives me a look that says _'Comment on my outfit. I dare you'_. I don't. Peeta guides me over to a row of benches draped in gold cloth.

"How's this for a garden party?" he asks, looking up at the night sky.

I shrug. I'm just glad to be outside. If I'd been confined to a building, I would have suffocated. "What are we supposed to say to them? 'Hey, I know times are tough, but we made it. So will you'? Look at them, Peeta. They don't need our help. We need theirs." My stomach turns as I say it. I never in my life thought I would look to the Capitol and think they were doing it right. But this time, they were. Somehow, the people had managed to rebuild their lives back to the same nauseating standards.

Peeta plays with a ring Antonius put on my finger. It's a plain silver band except for three small diamonds in the middle. It looks almost like an engagement ring. I pull my hand away suddenly, hoping the thought disappears back where it came from—my nightmares.

"What?" Peeta asks.

"Nothing. I just…" I smooth my dress. The shimmery green nail polish on my fingers is chipping already. Good. "It feels wrong to be here. So many people are suffering and we're at a _party_."

Peeta sighs. "I know. But maybe this is good. Now that we've seen that it is possible for people to have a normal life again, we can pass the message along."

Of course Peeta is right. I'm just too stubborn to see the good side of all this. "And we look pretty good, too." He grins at me, his blue eyes sparkling like everything else around us.

"You know how you said there's no right way to do this? That whatever we do from now on is probably good?"

Peeta nods.

"Well." I pause, not sure how to say it. I've never been good with words. "You were wrong."

He frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… there is a right way to do it. And you're doing it." I look him straight in the eye so he knows I mean it.

Peeta looks at me for a long time. Then he turns his head and looks up at the stars. I watch him in silence. He closes his eyes and holds my hand between both of his. It's quiet for a long time. The sounds of the party around us fade into the background. Peeta's hands are warm around mine and I slide my other hand in between them. The corners of his mouth lift into a smile and he opens his eyes to look at me.

"What were you thinking about?" I ask.

"What you said. I don't do everything perfect, but there's one thing I got really right."

"What's that?"

Peeta leans in and kisses me on the cheek. I feel his lips move against my face when he answers in a whisper, "I fell in love with the right girl."

I startle myself by crying. I still don't understand how someone can love me so unconditionally when I've done nothing to deserve it. I wipe my cheeks with the backs of my hands. Peeta frowns. "Happy tears, I hope."

I nod, but I don't feel happy. I feel… relieved. No matter how crumbled my world gets, I can rest assured that there will be a diamond among the rubble— a shiny, shimmering Peeta that catches me before I fall and lifts me when I can't reach.

I surprise both Peeta and myself by pulling his face down to kiss him. I don't normally make the first move and it's been so long that I start to worry I'm doing it wrong. But Peeta's hands find my waist and judging by his grip, I figure I'm doing something right.

Someone clears their throat. I pull away from Peeta to see Haymitch standing in front of us, a drink in his hand. He raises an eyebrow and I realize I'm halfway on Peeta's lap and his hands aren't exactly in a dignified place. We untangle ourselves.

"Effie wants you guys to give a speech. You have plenty of time to reproduce later."

My stomach twists. I've never been good at talking in front of an audience. And this time is worse because we haven't rehearsed anything and there's no Cesar Flickerman to help us get back on track when we fumble. I just hope Peeta uses his gift of words and I'm allowed to use my gift of silence.

Effie escorts us to the large staircase leading up to the front lawn of the President's Mansion. She clips a tiny microphone on Peeta's collar. I breathe a sigh of relief when there's no microphone pinned to me.

All the party guests have turned their attention to us. The sea of colorful wigs and skin makes me want to turn and run far away. It's too unnatural and bright.

"Hello," Peeta begins. "Katniss and I have come here from District 12. It's a lot different there." He describes the slow rebuilding and the scars of the people. "There's no easy fix and we know that. But I've seen a good ending. I have it with me tonight." He grabs my hand and pulls me to his side. "Katniss and I went through the arena twice together. We've been through each other's hell and back. I've never known a person who I know better than myself and who I love with my whole heart." There's a few 'aww's' from the crowd. "And the way I see it, if we can make it, everyone else can, too."

The guests burst into applause. The majority of them are crying and I feel my own eyes prick with tears. Peeta raises a hand to silence them. "But not everyone knows this. Not everyone has the same hope for the future. It's up to us to show it to them. We need your help to get the rest of Panem back on their feet."

There's more applause and Effie joins us. "What a lovely couple." She brushes a tear away. "What do you say? Will you help the star-crossed lovers of District 12?"

The crowd cheers. I feel a warm flicker in my chest from seeing all the people willing to help us. A few words from Peeta and they're cheering for us like we're celebrities. But that's not what gives me the first small drop of hope. It's the fact that it's all real. Our story is true this time. We are no longer pretending to be the star-crossed lovers of District 12. We are them.


End file.
